10 Ways To Be A Horrible Server

May 2, 2013 5:06 pm Published by 6 Comments

 How To Be A Horrible Server

worst nightmareThere is no reason that you can’t start being a horrible server today!

Join millions of other servers  in this Country who have already figured it out.

Don’t be left behind!

1.   When someone asks for salt, only bring salt!  Do not bring salt AND pepper.  It only makes sense that you should bring one condiment at a time.  Besides, since when have salt and pepper went together?  Try to make as many individual trips to the table as possible.

2.  When you deliver coffee make sure the handle is facing away from the guest.  While you are at it, place all items for the guest in odd or far away locations.  I’m sure what you brought to their table doesn’t need to be at arms length anyway. Besides, your guest has arms, let them move their dining items to where they want them.

3.   Only re-fill waters when they are totally empty or honesty, not at all.  There is no reason to keep filling a guests water glass.  What if they don’t drink it or what if that was exactly the right amount of water they needed?  Now you have over filled them.  It’s almost rude.

4. Make sure you wait for your guest to ask for what they need.  How are you supposed to anticipate your guests’ needs?  You’re a server, not a fricken’ mind reader. Focus on completing one task at a time!   This isn’t chess where you are trying to be three  steps ahead of things, this is waiting tables.  There’s no need too think too hard.

5. When your guest does ask for something  you should nod your head and say “okay” to the request, but you don’t actually have to fill the request.  If you have other better, not so lame and boring things to do, then do those things instead!  Or, if happen to get caught up in conversation or forget, that’s okay too.

6. If you are in a bad mood or don’t really like your guest and they ask you for something, it’s okay to roll your eyes. You can do this directly to their face, but it’s best to be at least a little passive aggressive about it. In other words, make sure they can tell that you are not pleased with them without being confrontational.  It’s really a science that only the best servers have mastered.

 

7.   Being a server is rarely seen as a “real job” so I encourage you to perpetuate the theory!  If you don’t have time to shower, do your hair or iron your uniform, don’t worry!  You’re not a fricken model or on a PTA board, you’re a server.  Your appearances matters to no one.

8.  Don’t learn about the menu.  This kind of goes without saying. I mean, what are the odds that someone will ask a question about it anyway?  Besides, it’s self explanatory.  You’re not a walking food dictionary, you are a server!

9.  Try to have sex with the the hosts at work (if you’re a male server), if you’re a female, focus on the kitchen staff!  This adds a little drama to work and everyone loves drama , especially in the work place!

10   When you deliver drinks be sure to deliver them from the top mouth area, or for wine glasses pick them up at the globe.  Holding wine glasses from the stem or other glasses from the lower body part is dangerous and looks bad!  You should spend time polishing your glasses and there should be ONE SET of finger prints on the glass: yours!

12.  Add yours in the comments below.

I hope you enjoyed the list.  Really, any server can be a bad one, it just takes no talent and a bad attitude.  Find a bad restaurant and you can really excel!   Find a job at a great one and you can really stand out from the rest!


 

More things to entertain yourself with and learn:

Read: How To Be A Horrible Restaurant Manager (all bullshit)
Take the Basic Server Knowledge Quiz (real, no bullshit)
Read: Crappy Servers, Who’s To Blame?

[ois skin=”end crappy service”]

Jennifer, iamWaitress
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Jennifer, iamWaitress

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6 Comments

  • Ric B says:

    If you can’t chew gum and take orders at the same time, you’re never gonna make it as a horrible server. Get out of the business. Where do you think you work? The White House? Oh, and I want to see some serious bed-head tomorrow. You’d better come in with a severe hangover or you’re fired!

  • Marianna says:

    If a customer who is not at your table asks for something, be sure to tell them you’ll go get their server, even if it is just a straw.

    Don’t say hello to the regular customers if they aren’t at your table. You don’t want them to think you actually like them if there isn’t a tip forthcoming.

    • Jennifer says:

      Ooooooooo…Good, good, good! NEVER do anything for a guest unless it is possible you will make money from it! If you actually like being nice to people and doing things to make them have a nice experience, you’re in this for the wrong reasons!

  • marshallkell says:

    #11 Assume that you’ve done a wonderful (WON-der-FUL!) job serving a table, because “nobody complained”.

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